Concern

The Last King of Scotland is a very good movie. It chronicles a brief period through Uganda’s troubled history, through a Scottish doctor who becomes involved with the regime of Idi Amin, who is someone I’ll admit to never having heard of, and about whom I can only grimace with historical comfort in a darkened theater. I recommend it, partly because like everyone else, I can’t help but gush about Forest Whitaker’s seething performance as Amin.

What’s interesting about this film, aside from the rather honest reminder of the rather blood-stained recent history of Africa the West finds too easy to ignore, is the character Dr. Nicholas Garrigan, who slowly becomes far, far too involved in Amin’s regime. It’s not that he’s overly selfish, or power-hungry, or anything, but that he simply never sees the darkness creeping around the country, until it is too late, and he is in too deeply to escape. Some small amount of probing, early on, could have made clear the warnings ahead, but he chose to go along with it, and simply didn’t ask the question.

Is being comfortably ignorant, and not sufficiently probing, equivalent to willfully ignoring the bad things that happen around you?

On a personal note, the problem of being swept along, being comfortable with whatever illusions you can fabricate for yourself, and not probing deeply enough into your own nature, is something I think I have been struggling against. It’s easy and convenient to think of yourself as a moral and upstanding person, if you believe that morality is virtuous. But if you ask yourself, what have you truly done that is moral? Do you do things at all during the day that are not moral? Do you even question yourself of your actions?

For quite a while now I’ve been both far too reserved with company, and find it hard to talk with strangers, or even with people I know. I think this puts many people off, and while I could sit and claim that it’s only my nature, that I have these reservations just because of the way my brain is wired, I should be taking more control of my words and actions, because I know what is right and expected, and yet I remain mute. I’ve also been to much of a wisher — if I want to be more attractive, or if I want to have a relationship with _____, I sit and wish that I’ll wake up more attractive and with better health, and that lovely women would just fall into my lap some day. This is bogus, of course; none of these things happen without action.

“As the pattern gets more intricate and subtle, being swept along is no longer enough.” I’m taking control of at least my weight, and that’s working (surprisingly well, actually), and want to take control of other aspects of my life. I’m still illusioned, heavily, but maybe realizing that is a decent enough first step.